I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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