shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
