a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Randomize
