My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
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When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
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Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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