this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
