I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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