When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
