Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
At least make sure they are 18
Why
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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