We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
