She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
