maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
