I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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