a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
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Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
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BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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