party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
