Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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