1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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