This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
