Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
