My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She said her name was "party"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
