oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
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My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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