I wish my penis had an off switch
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I love you.
Bad choice
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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