my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You ruined the universe
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
