if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
