im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
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She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
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Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
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