mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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