he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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