it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
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Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Can I color on your dick again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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