Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
