What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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