You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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