bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
