i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
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We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
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Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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