yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
