I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My vagina is very pro this idea
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
