Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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