it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
