I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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