party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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