i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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