i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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