it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
