I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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