Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
