I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
