i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
