I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
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i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
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You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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