U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
