We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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