Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
