Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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