I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
she looked like the before picture.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
