Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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