i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
