By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
