this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
