Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
