my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
