I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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