Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
