we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
