I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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