i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
