Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
