the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
