Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize