So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
