Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
