Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
