Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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