I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
